I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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