Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
