I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
