if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
