i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why do cheetos always look like penises
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
