Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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