never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wish my penis had a tongue
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
