I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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