we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
