So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
