he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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