He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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