plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I believe in your delicious
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
