I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And then my night got REAL pukey
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
