FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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