I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
