You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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