Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
