I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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