i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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