I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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