And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
