I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
