I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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