God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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