i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
