I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
