I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
