All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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