I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
