wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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