I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
