dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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