a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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