Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
