If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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