Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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