I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
