you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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