Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
