After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
