I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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