Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
