1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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