Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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