I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
