I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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