It's like God shit irony all over that family
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
