I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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