Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and she was petting her beer can
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
