No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
