Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
