This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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