Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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