I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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