he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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