He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
