Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dear god my vagina.
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