I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
